Dereism
by dance of isis
Summary: because you're weak and deep down just a nuisance [sakura centric: team 7 reflection]


**De**re_ism_.

The world's a very lonely place.

You learnt that a long time ago but you keep trying to convince yourself it's anything but true.

And while you lean over the railings of that _familiar _(yes, painstakingly so familiar) spot, you let your crystal tears slide into the river below. You try to promise yourself, each and every time, that you won't cry, that you'll _be _strong just like _them_. But each time you know you're fooling yourself; tears are the only way. The only way it's ever worked for you.

Because you're weak and deep down just a nuisance.

Because _you're _Sakura Haruno and you've failed at everything you've tried to complete. Lost anything you've tried to keep.

You console yourself with simple thoughts of how anyone else in your position would probably have failed too.

Fate was against you (them).

You cry some more when you know you let Sasuke leave without much of a fight (well, you _did _fight, but did it do any good?) and you let Naruto leave just as easily. You know it's unfair on both of them, to want them to come home, to want to hug them both and smile and pretend like Team Seven hasn't changed a day.

You know you're being selfish and greedy and childish but you don't care.

When you're done acting like the foolish twelve-year-old you've always been (even though you're fifteen now), you remember what your mother said back when she'd try to enforce some type of philosophical logic on you.

Let no bloody tears fall.

You don't know if that's a euphemism, a metaphor some other type of unidentified –ism you learnt about all those years ago.

But you think it's useless advice because you've already cried, you've already bled and it _hurts _but isn't that what reality does best?

Sasuke's still training, Naruto's still searching, you're still crying.

Sometimes when you see Kakashi, you'll reminisce with him about all those somewhat useless missions you did back as fresh ninja. You'll reminisce about how often Naruto would make a blunder, or how often Sasuke would roll his eyes.

You never, ever say (not once) that you just stood idly by; doing nothing, adding nothing.

Although Kakashi knows this and you are aware of that, it doesn't need to be said.

But whenever you think about those two (those stupid, _stupid _boys) you break down and begin to cry. Kakashi lends you his shoulder.

Those are the times when sensei and student comfort each other, in the fleeting moments when both are unsure of past, present and future.

Kakashi misses Naruto and Sasuke (oh, how you love that stupid big-headed Uchiha so much it hurts!) almost as much as you do; although you know you'll always miss them more, because you never _really _got to prove yourself.

And when you think you're completely dried up and no more tears can dampen the ground further, you'll look Kakashi directly in his eye (yes, because he never reveals the other one unless it's to blast his super cool Sharingan at a foe) and mention that it's unbelievable how much ramen Naruto can consume in one meal.

Or how long it takes Sasuke to give up; if he _ever _does, that is.

And you'll both pretend to forget you experienced a moment of weakness in front of each other, though you both know deep down you'll treasure those times when you found someone else who knew _exactly _how you were feeling.

Your hands grip the railing a little tighter as you recall.

You _pretend _to live life as normally as you can. You train with Tsunade whenever possible, you study various scrolls and you sometimes (on occasion when you can stand it) hang around with Ino.

She'll laugh and say your forehead is finally getting smaller, but you both sit there in silence, sometimes thinking about how _utterly stupid _it was to compete over the lost and (un)found Uchiha.

You laugh bitterly to yourself.

You don't want to be weak anymore; you don't want that fake smile to be permanently stuck to your face. You want to live, love, fly.

But you know that you'll never forget those _two stupid boys _that have such a big place in your heart, its shattered into billions of tiny pieces.

Someone joins you on the railings.

You don't notice at first (you're still thinking about how weak and stupid all this is) but when a tiny cough is proposed, you see the smiling (but when is he ever _really _smiling?) face of your sensei.

"Sakura-chan."

You see his silver hair, how it's still gravity defying, you see his mangled body. Mangled from all the battles, all the wounds, all the pain. You wonder briefly if Sasuke or Naruto will ever be like this.

But you wouldn't mind if they're mangled and pained and broken because you'll spend every waking moment fixing them, even if it takes your life.

You just want them back.

"Kakashi-sensei."

You think that maybe this will be another one of those treasured moments when you cry (and maybe there's a tear from him) but you've really cried enough today.

"It's cold out here––I don't want my favourite ex-student catching her death of a cold."

You know it's a lie when he says _favourite_. Because you know that even if Naruto's not here anymore, he'll always be Kakashi's best and brightest student. And you know Sasuke comes a close second, with all his experience. You rate lowly last because you never _do _anything, you just say things and stand there like an asset.

You think that even if Kakashi loves all three of you, he'll always love those two boys more.

But you don't mention it because you're both too unstable as it is.

"I'm not cold, Kakashi-sensei."

You know that you are, that you're freezing, but you don't want to leave the railing because you can see yourself in the water and you need that.

You need to know that even though the others aren't here, _you _are and that's proof you're still alive enough to wait for them.

But your body betrays you because you let out a shudder and Kakashi (being the expert ninja that he is) notices. He doesn't, however, lecture you or instruct you to go home. He just removes his coat and gives it to you; you needed it, he realises.

"Arigato." You whisper softly, as if you'll be blown away like a feather in the wind because you're so fragile and weak.

Which, when you look at it, you _really are_.

"Good luck, Sakura-chan."

And then Kakashi leaves, to return to his empty house, his empty room; where he emerges himself in indecent books and dark thoughts, wondering if life can (will) ever get better than this.

You don't stop to wonder why he's said good luck, because you think you know.

As you stand by the railing, you realise something important.

You're _weak, _you're needy, you're pathetic, you're _Sakura Haruno_.

But, Naruto and Sasuke need you more and this is your chance (your time) to prove to them once and for all that you're not (absolutely, positively) the girl who needs to be protected. While you're imperfect and tainted, you're determined.

And finally, you smile. Because you know your next destination.

You're bringing your boys home.

_Fin_.

**STANDARD DISCLAIMER APPLIES  
**_please be nice, it's my first naruto fanfiction _


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